There is never a worse feeling than wanting to kill yourself, but not physically wanting to go through with it. That's the barrier to entry for myself, I can only imagine myself going through with it, but not *actually* doing it. I feel so alone, especially in the weeks after my birthday, my life has become as mundane as it were before. I've been reading The Stranger by Albert Camus, I started reading it about a couple of years ago but I never really took to it. I really like Camus' philosophy, the whole inherently chaotic and meaningless world as it conflicts with the human desire to find some inherent meaning with it. I think absurdism/existentialism with I am courted in that philosophic domain, it doesn't make my life any more enjoyable however.
College has been ok for now, I really have to pull my motivation deep inside to actually want to continue, but its either that or continue working in food service.
The belt hasn't called to me yet..